[More] Stupid Lawyer Questions in Court
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go,
gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to
the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school
do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there
was a victim?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch-
and she did!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood. Stupid Lawyer Questions
in Court
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go,
gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to
the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school
do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there
was a victim?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch-
and she did!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Cute Baby
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child
and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I''ve ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult
passengers. He could be fired for that."
"You''re right," she said. "I think I''ll go back up there and give
him a piece of my mind!"
"That''s a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Trivia
Crocodiles kill 2,000 people each year. By contrast, sharks kill about
25 people, elephants kill 250 and bees kill about 1,500.
Nonsmokers dream more than smokers.
Technically, the banana is a berry.
There are 90 turns in a Slinky.
The first condoms in the U.S. were made in the 1870s from vulcanized
rubber. They were expensive, thick and intended to be reused.
Not a single new livestock animal has been domesticated in the last
4,000 years.
Hawaii is the only state that's never recorded a temperature below zero
degrees Fahrenheit.
Stalin's original name was Josif Djugashvili. In 1913, he began using
the pseudonym Stalin, meaning "Man of Steel."
The greater dwarf lemur in Madagascar always gives birth to triplets.
The word "pornography" comes from the Greek meaning the "writings of
prostitutes."
The Earth experiences 50,000 earthquakes a year.
The first movie made in Hollywood was The Law and the Range (in 1912).
In Hong Kong, soy milk is as popular as Coca-Cola is in the U.S.
Your thumbnail grows more slowly than any of your fingernails.
There were 61,825 homes destroyed when the atomic bomb was dropped on
Hiroshima.
That's Amore
When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!
When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has,
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray...
A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham,
Is with marshmallows crammed,
That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?
submitted by: Julie
A Los Angeles policeman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at it, he was astounded to see that the woman at the wheel was
knitting! The cop cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL
OVER!"
"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A PAIR OF SOCKS!"
Impressions
Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
to experience an elephant for the first time. The first approached the
elephant and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an
elephant is like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said,
"No, an elephant is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the
tail, said, "Fool! An elephant is like a rope!" The fourth, playing
with an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." And the fifth, leaning against
the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like a wall." The five then began
to argue loudly about who had the more accurate perception of the elephant.
The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and stomped
on all of the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing
but bloody lumps of flesh. Walking away, the elephant said, "It just goes
to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw them
I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks,
explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks
later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The
owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when
the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.
When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiousity is too much
for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks.
The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must
be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either
planting them too deep or too close together."
Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what
he has done to the local agricultural school, asking for advice. Three
weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample."
Subject: 25 Signs
You've Grown Up
1. Your houseplants
are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex
in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more
food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is
when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your
favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch
the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends
marry & divorce instead of hook up & break up.
8. You go from
130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and
a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the
one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down
the stereo.
11. Older relatives
feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't
know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car
insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed
your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping
on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer
take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and
a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a
basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle,
your stomach.
19. You go to
the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle
of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually
eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't
drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that
much again."
23. 90% of the
time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer
drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
And the NUMBER
ONE sign that you've grown up................
25.You read this
entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply
to you.
The Police Stop
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove
box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by
police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's
a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove
box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Did You See That?
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?""No,"
the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over
there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Van Full of Kids
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through
the mall parking lot, looking for a space.
Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think these are
all mine???"
Office Stress Relief
My friend Gurn, who I am PLEADING WITH to get
a blog sent me these.
And, since they made me giggle, I am including
them here.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll
bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to worship
me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave
a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand
a word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited
us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just
don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged
by your unique point of
view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental.
19. What am I...Flypaper for freaks??
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would
be...
22. Do I look like a people person?
23. This isn't an office; it's hell with fluorescent
lighting.
24. I started out with nothing and still have
most of it left.
25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27. Errors have been made; others will be blamed.
28. Whatever kind of look you were going for,
you missed.
29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a
door.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door
#1?
32. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34. CHAOS, PANIC, AND DISORDER---my work here
is done.
35. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
From http://www.onegirlslife.com/archives/000398.html#000398
The War
An elderly European man asked the local priest to hear his confession:
"Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me
to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have
no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her that I would hide her but,
she must repay me with her sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the
Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good
and the evil and judge you kindly. For your penance; say 3 'Our Father's'
and 3 'Hail Mary's' and Go In Peace, my son - your sins are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind. I have only one
more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?"
Trivia
When parking meters were first introduced, angry drivers beheaded them
with axes.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average American owns 1.6 dogs
and 2.1 cats.
One out of six guns in the world is an AK-47.
The Romans would crush a first time rapist's gonads between two stones.
About 10 times more men than women are attacked by sharks.
Pogonophobia is the fear of beards.
After a three-week vacation, your I.Q. can drop by as much as 20 percent.
If you translate it literally, the Chinese term "kung fu" means "leisure
time."
According to the Food and Drug Administration, two out of five women
in America dye their hair.
Lewis Carrol wrote his books while standing up.
Every day, 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500.
The Coca-Cola company is the largest consumer of vanilla in the world.
There is a one in five chance an American working woman will earn more
than her husband.
Most parrots are left-handed.
Jousting is the state sport of Maryland.
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.
The most common disease in the world is tooth decay.
In 1893, Milwaukee's Pabst beer won a blue ribbon at the Chicago Fair
and is still sold as Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
There are 10,800 feet of film in a two-hour movie.
A mere 31 percent of men claim to look at other women when they're in
the company of their significant other. But a whopping 62 percent of women
say their significant others do.
The average man will spent about 145 days of this life shaving.
The geographic center of North America is near Rugby, North Dakota.
FROM DribbleGlass.com
Just Mean
Q: What's brown and often found in diapers?
A: Michael Jacksons hand
Calling In Sick
"Boss I can't come to work today, I'm really sick. I got aheadache,
stomach ache, my legs hurt I just can't make it to work."
The boss says: " You know Carl, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her to give a blowjob. That makes me
feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Carl calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great,
I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a nice house."
MJ Jokes
How doe MJ pick his nose?
With a catalog.
What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One's white, made from plastic, and harmful to children, the other
you carry your groceries in.
Why did Pepsi fire MJ?
Coz he was caught sucking on a Squirt!
How do we know MJ is guilty?
Because he's been fingered by several children.
What is MJ's new book called?
The Ins & Outs of Child Rearing.
When is it bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
Why does MJ want to be a jockey?
Because he heard they ride 3 year olds.
What's the hardest stain to get out of little boy's underpants?
MJ's make-up.
Sea Tales
A trucker is carrying a shipment of wildlife for delivery to Sea World
when his rig starts acting up in Arizona. He pulls into a truck center,
and while the mechanic inspects his truck, he goes into the restaurant
and buys some ice cream. Upon returning, the mechanic sees him and
says, "Oh there you are. It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the driver replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice
cream."
Weekend Away
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he
stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire
paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by
his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade
of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough
where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A NEW HOLIDAY
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows
and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special
holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their
life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit
it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially
"Steak & Blowjob Day."
Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created
so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday
explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of
Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of
love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure
a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring
love and peace to this crazy world. - Storm and Birdsey
Kids
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000
and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick
told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell
mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was
coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with
an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."
Golf
Two old folks got married. As they were laying in their wedding suite,
staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been completely honest
with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me.
Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my passion, my first love."
They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman said, "While
we're baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I've been a hooker
all my life."
The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you
tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?"
Understanding Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic
in bed."
That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with some friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of
your friends goes up to her, points at you and says, "He's fantastic in
bed."
That's Advertising
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call saying, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You get up, straighten your tie,
walk up and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag
after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic
in bed."
That's Public Relations
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. She walks up to you and says, I
hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition
VULTURES
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Wings.
ORDER
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare
your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight
out that they're going to die."
THE DIFFERENCE
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: About 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: About 45 minutes.
HOT DOGS
Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one
says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat
dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America,
we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of
the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the
cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the
companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them
opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns
to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
CHOCOLATE LOVER
A husky, 6-foot-5 man is sitting in the park, cramming his mouth with
chocolate bars. An old man nearby says, "You really shouldn't eat all that
chocolate, you know. It isn't very good for you. The big guy looks at him
and says, "My grandfather lived until he was 103." "Oh, really," sneered
the older man. "Did he eat lots of chocolate bars every day?" "No," the
big guy replies, "but he minded his own damned business."
FIVE POUNDS OF FAT
Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
LIKE BRIDGE
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
THE MATH WHIZ
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife,
you must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and
I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the
time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old
teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight." When he arrived at the
hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear
husband, you, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter,
I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being
the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact
that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait
up."
HERE'S WHY
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Trivia
The vintage date on a bottle of wine indicates the year the grapes
were picked, not the year of bottling.
The Pony Express didn't use ponies, they used horses.
Cucumbers aren't vegetables they're fruits.
Polecats aren't cats. They're nocturnal European weasels.
There's no evidence that pirates ever buried their treasure. That myth
first came up when captain William Kidd lied about burying his gold during
his trial.
One cannot be given the Congressional Medal of Honor. No such thing.
It's just the Medal of Honor.
The correct version of the widely misused phrase "far from the maddening
crowd" is actually "far from the madding crowd." Madding means "frenzied."
You might be surprised to learn that more people are killed each year
from bees than from snakes.
It is often incorrectly assumed Chicken Kiev was invented by Russians.
However, it was actually created by French chefs for Russian nobility.
Despite what you might suspect, Italy imports most of its pasta from
the U.S. and Canada.
Our muscles can't push, they can only pull.
George Washington never threw a dollar across the Potomac. There weren't
any dollars during Washington's youth the currency was British.
Panama hats aren't made in Panama. They're made in Ecuador.
Ladybirds aren't birds they're beetles.
A popularly held belief is that soda water contains soda. It doesn't.
Pintos and palominos are not breeds of horses, those names denote colors.
Compasses do not point to the North Pole. They point to magnetic north,
far from the North Pole.
Chest hair has no connection to virility.
Remember Atari games? The company isn't Japanese, even though most people
think so. The name was chosen so consumers would think the company, based
in Northern California, was Japanese.
FROM DribbleGlass.com
Old Blog
March 2,
2003
March 13,
2003
April 20,
2003
May 2, 2003
May 16, 2003
June
15, 2003
November
14, 2003
December 21,
2003
January 23, 2004
Return to Curmudgeonly & Skeptical
