What do you say to a girl with no arms and legs
Nice Tits!!!
I guess a handjobs out off the question?
Do you want a vibrator for Christmas?
Who left that slug trail on the kitchen floor?
For god sake woman. get off your arse!!!!
Wishes
A couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating
their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and
said "I just love your shoes." [just kidding] ... a fairy appeared
and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each
one wish.
Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most
of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy waved
her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.
Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with
a sly look, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.
1st Chicken: "Hey how do I get to the other side of the road?"
2nd Chicken:"You are on the other side!"
Deep thoughts
Are funerals held in the daytime because we can't have mourning at night?
Can God hear us over the gunfire?
When Jeff Gordon gets pulled over for speeding, can he just say that
he was practicing?
Why don't we bless people when they cough or fart?
Isn't it cruel for "lisp" to have an "s"?
Where does the sky begin?
What are the odds that O.J. will find the real killer on a golf course?
Some [picky] complaints about men.
"When they run out of snacks they start eating your birth control pills."
"Half a can of Bud Light and they're calling you 'Mommy'."
"All that testosterone makes 'em jump around like hyperactive chimps."
"Sometimes big feet just means big feet."
"We have boobs; they are boobs."
Six
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her
birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme
park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there
was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her
stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband
ordered her a Big Mac, extra fries, and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
it was off to a movie -- and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and
M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot -- I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna
get it wrong.
The boyfriend
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his
appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother
diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would
he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Blondie
Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain
cell? A: Unique
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain
cells? A:Pregnant
You know Blondes are just like good lawyers,
you keep on hearing about them, but you never
see them.
Q: Did ya hear about the blonde that was stuck
at the Mall for five hours? A: She said that
she was trapped on the escallator.
HOW CAN YOU TELL
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
PETTY ARGUMENT
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them
unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the
wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she
said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
NO LUCK WITH WOMEN
A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc,
you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?"
the doctor asked. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with
women. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend,
this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.
Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell
yourself you're a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. Say
it with conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around
you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office
a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It
worked all right. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best
moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your
problem?" asked the doctor. "I don't have a problem," the man replied.
"My wife does."
THE DIFFERENCE
Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A: One snatches watches.
THE ARTIST
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized
in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece
for several months. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging
the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's
work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he
had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that
she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can
do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting
in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when
he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh
my God!" he barked, "It's my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off!"
OUT WALKING
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy isn't it?" Second
one says, "No it's Thursday." Third one says, "So am I, let's go get a
beer."
HOLD THEM UP
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone
has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the
back of the room asked, "How the hell will that help?"
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get
mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How
soon do you need to know?"
STOPPING A LAWYER
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
THE AGENT
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance
company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn
insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Just
a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster
will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with
a new barn of similar worth." There was a long pause, and then Susan replied,
"If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy
on my husband."
LOST BRAINPOWER
Q: What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower?
A: A widower. ("He votes for Democrats" qualifies as a correct answer)
HEARING AIDS
An elderly gentleman had suffered from serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
perfectly again. The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor's in a month
for a final check on the new equipment. After some tests, the doctor proclaimed,
"Your hearing is perfect!" "Thank you for helping me," replied the elderly
man. "You're welcome," said the doctor. "Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again." "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around
and listen to the conversations I used to miss," replied the elderly gentleman.
"Really?" questioned the doctor. You must still be marveling at being able
to hear again and just not ready to believe it yourself. That must be why
you haven't told them." "Well, no," said the older man, "that's not it
exactly, but I have changed my will three times!"
FROM: DribbleGlass.com
Drinking
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
be selfish and worry about my liver."
by Jack Handy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And saving the best for last, As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
A Golf Story
A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon.
He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in
9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the
tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot.
There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly
between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally
said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that
tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age,
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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