According to a recent survey, 46 percent of Americans say their car
is the most important thing in their lives. Six percent say their children
hold that distinction.
"Fine turkey" and "honeycomb" are terms used for different qualities
and textures of sponges.
The fortune cookie was invented in 1916 by George Jung, a Los Angeles
noodlemaker.
Butter was the first food product allowed by law to have artificial
coloring. (It's actually white.)
"Breath," by Samuel Beckett, was first performed in April, 1970. The
play lasts 30 seconds, has no actors, and no dialogue.
Sunday School
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers
and sisters?
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,"Thou
shall not kill."
Weapons Found
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have
swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.
Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler,
a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming
evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of math instruction.
Her readers wrote ....
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle
aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into
or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my
VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can never trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure
the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted
with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen
again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get
out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going though mental
pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send
him to a doctor. Well! ! , my husband lost all interest in sex years ago
and he is a doctor.
Hangover
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order,
spotless, clean.
So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast
is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married'!"
Funeral
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman
is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch
that wall!"
Cause Of Death
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family
phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea,
not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
Hack Golfer
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and
enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole,
he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and
says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself
in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says: "I don't think you could keep
your head down that long."
Trivia
The mouse is the most common mammal in the United States.
Trivia is the Roman goddess of sorcery, hounds and the crossroads.
Alexander Graham Bell invented the metal detector in 1881.
According to medical experts, babies dream in the womb.
Walt Disney World generates about 56 tons of trash every day.
Ninety-five percent of the U.S. currency notes produced each year are
used to replace bills already in circulation.
Men are four times more likely to sleep in the nude than women.
All of the following have been sold in vending machines: emu jerky,
poached eggs, holy water, beetles and live shrimp.
Thirty-eight of American companies say they monitor their employee's
e-mail.
According to surveys, 17 percent of Americans sing in the shower.
One out of five men in America propose marriage on their knee.
Parsley is the most widely used herb in the world.
The odds of being killed by falling out of bed are one in two million.
Canola oil is actually called rapeseed oil, but the name was changed
for marketing reasons.
Rapper Ice Cube's real name is O'Shea Jackson.
The term "hooch" for liquor comes from the Hoochinoo Indians, known
for their ability to make liquor so strong it could knock someone out.
While nudity was considered commonplace to the ancient Greeks, a man
was considered indecent if he had an exposed erection.
This Explains Much of our Lives
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder
This is how it goes...
I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the
mail on the table.
OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST
I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding
the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills
on my desk.... BUT FIRST
I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox,
I'll address a few bills.
Yes Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left.
Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from
last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST
I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look
out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup
on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.
What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST
I need to water those plants.
I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the
wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT
FIRST
I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in
the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,...
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled
because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...
I'd get help... BUT FIRST...
I think I'll check my e-mail.
PEACH BRANDY
A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was
for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.
One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual
Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that
he had to thank him for the peach brandy
from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make
a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member
of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on
his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have
an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his
kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
Fertilizer
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little
boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got
in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar
and cream on ours."
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Shoot, there go the lights again...."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of
them."
"What do you mean you want a divorce?"
This guy goes to confession on Sunday and he says -
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
"How have you sinned my son?"
"I was out playing golf and I used the *f* word."
"Tell me about it my son."
"Well I teed up and hit the ball into the rough with a huge slice."
"And then you used the *f* word! For shame!"
'No Father. I managed a saving shot from the rough and the ball
nipped past
the flag and into the sand trap behind the green."
"So, you landed in the sand and then you used the *f* word! Why that
is
totally unexcusable!"
"No Father. I hit a beautiful sand shot and landed 6 inches from
the hole."
"What the ....! Don't tell me you missed the fucking 6 inch put!"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each
to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be
to look at it when you are
all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher;
she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment,
he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later,
he received a letter from the police department that contained another
picture -- of handcuffs.
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his
thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him
up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections.
About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear
drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by
this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide
turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably
well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the
camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist
like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,
"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:
"Bass Solo"
A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts
looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she
finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally,
she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches
ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her
watch on the counter in front of the proprietor.
Tourist: "Would you please repair this watch."
Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch."
T: "But why not? It is an ordinary model."
P: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions."
T (irritated): "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your
window?"
P: "Well, and what should I have in my window?"
100 reasons why it's great to be a guy:
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or
gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channel, you don't have to
stall on every shot of someone crying.
12) Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guys in hockey masks don't attack you-except during
hockey games.
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around
everywhere you go.
17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic
that everyone secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27) You never have to clean the toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
she can still be you friend.
32) Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship
34) None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35) You don't have to shave below your neck.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37) If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face stays its original color.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president.
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk
into the room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter
reader is coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59) You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for
hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean
your lover is about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time.
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving
yourself to look like him.
66) You never have to drive to another gas station because
this one's just too skeevy.
67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you
are wearing.
69) Same work....more pay.
70) Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency
crotch adjustment.
72) Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73) You don't care if someone is talking about you behind
your back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the
earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking
to them.
79) ESPN's sports center.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a
little gift.
81) Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining
you naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to
the bathroom.
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he
won't tell your friends you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase
"F*#k it!"
88) If an other guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89) Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because
you're not in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it
with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person does not eliminate having great
sex with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So... notice anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There is always a game on somewhere.
10 Things Men Won't Say To Other Men
1. Wow, those jeans look painted on.
2. Man, I'd love to sleep with your wife just once.
3. Do you work out? Because you have great glutes.
4. Dude, I'm going to be late for work let me hop in the shower with
you.
5. I am so horny, could you call your sister for me?
6. Hey John, that new haircut really brings out your features.
7. I hate sports.
8. I don't feel like going home; all my wife wants to do is have sex
all day long.
9. Ewww beer, no way it tastes disgusting!
10. Joe, you're my buddy and I'm going away for a week. I was wondering
if you could stay at my house and keep my girlfriend company while I'm
away.
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Three Beers
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking
them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that
the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much
fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.
The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who
have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of
remembering all the time they spent drinking together.
The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering
three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming
the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.
When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the
bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a
moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."
25 signs of growing up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you.
Sex Trivia
Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of prostitution
by stealing food during sex.
Fewer than 30 percent of parents in the U.S. discuss sex with their
children.
The typical penguin has just one orgasm a year.
The average sperm donor makes $4,000 to $5,000 a year.
The sperm count of the average American male is down 30 percent from
30 years ago.
It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.
Semen contains small amounts of more than 30 elements, including fructose,
ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen,
vitamin B12, and various salts and enzymes.
Homosexuality remained on the American Psychiatric Association's list
of mental illnesses until 1973.
In an average man's semen, about 10 percent are abnormal.
A recent survey of prostitutes revealed that the most frequent sex act
performed is fellatio.
Minks have sex sessions that last, on average, eight hours.
According to a national study of female sexuality, candles are the artificial
device used most frequently by women during masturbation.
Sex education was first introduced in English schools in 1889.
In ancient Greece and Rome, dildos were made out of animal horns, gold,
silver, ivory and glass.
The French kiss was first known as "maraichinage," a term to describe
the prolonged, deep, tongue kiss practiced by the Maraichins, inhabitants
of Brittany, France.
In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.
FROM DribbleGlass.com
Rejected Dr. Seuss Books:
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch.
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Cat in the Blender
7. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
8. Bi-Curious George
Little Golden Books That Never Made It:
1. You Are Different And That's Bad.
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert.
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were an Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bad Lesbian Jokes
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls
The boss comes in and sees his new secretary writing out notes.
"Miss Jones" he says, "come into my office and I will show you how to
use my
dictaphone."
"No thanks," says she "I'm used to dialing with my fingers!
Playing Trivial Pursuit with a Blonde
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she
landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is
it on or off?"
What is the Sunday missal?
A weapon of mass instruction.
Oklahoma Joke
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that
he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the
man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor
if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late
'70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the
Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman
you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer
house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what
time you do have seem like forever."
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a
restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning
be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it
be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for
about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very
patient, he walked back and forth and never once got
angry.
So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't
throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We
don't even have an air conditioner."
The Frog
This really really old guy is walking on the beach one day.
He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out "Hey Mister ... pssst
... come here."
He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree. He picks
it up and it says
"Hey Mister ... if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman
and your wishes will
be my commands forever."
He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward
home.
The frog says "Hey, what are ya doing? Don't ya want to kiss me?"
The old man says, "No ... to tell you the truth, at my age, a talking
frog is worth a whole lot more to me."
Mental Institution
There is a mental institution and a nurse walks into a room and sees
a patient acting out like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie
what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving
his imaginary car and ask, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's
room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously!
With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!"
Bob says.. "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Lounge Lizzards
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a
moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch. and I
was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because
I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Ways to reject pick-up lines
1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist
at the V.D. Clinic."
2.) In the department of "nice turn downs" there's this one: I'll have
to think about that, thinking makes me tired, when I'm tired I want to
sleep, not make love, so let's not, okay?
3.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know.
Will two people fit under a rock?"
4.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks.
There's already one asshole in there."
5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who
used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl
to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
6.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in
the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the
phone book too."
7.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
8.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with
you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex.
What do you say to that?" Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
9.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to
pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike
through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative.
She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
10.) Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like
to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien
a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
11.) Q: What sign were you born under? A: No Parking.
12.) A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs
his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't
see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
13.) And here's one including the correct snappy return Man: "How do
you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"
14.) After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now
let's see your departure."
15.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach
her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been
all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half
of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
16.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked
by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend,
walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking,
but he was mistaken."
17.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes"
had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained
how she handled it once...
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded,
"Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided
that maybe he would look someplace else
18.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when
the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill
your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips
parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward
him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner
plates. She paused just a second and the delivered the crusher line, "You've
got a large donkey or Doberman?" The guy turned as green as his golf slacks
and slipped away without a word.
19.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
20.) Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really
good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing
checks that your body can't cash."
Trivia
About 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year.
A winged penis was the city symbol of Pompeii, the ancient Roman town
destroyed by the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius.
During his lifetime, Shakespeare's last name was spelled 83 different
ways.
Eighty-three percent of people hit by lightning are men.
Surgeons who listen to music during operations perform better than those
who don't.
The original idea for steak knives derived from shark teeth.
President Lyndon Johnson had an aunt named Frank.
The number of possible ways of playing just the first four moves on
each side in a chess game is 318,979,564,000.
The act of snapping one's fingers has a name. It is called a "fillip."
Twenty-five percent of Americans don't know what their astrological
sign is.
The average iceberg weighs 20 million tons.
The average bra size today is 36C. Ten years ago it was 34B.
The mouth produces a quart of saliva a day.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos.
All the planets in our solar system could be placed inside the planet
Jupiter.
Famed playwright Anton Chekhov was also a medical doctor.
More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.
FROM DribbleGlass.com
More Something Funnies
Old Blog
March 2,
2003
March 13,
2003
April 20,
2003
May 2, 2003
May 16, 2003
June
15, 2003
November
14, 2003
December 21,
2003
January 23, 2004
Return to Curmudgeonly & Skeptical
