Trivia
Elvis Presley's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."
Sixty-eight percent of teenage girls say if they could change just one
part of their body, it would be their stomach.
Sharks can detect the heartbeats of other fish.
On average, each person uses 54 feet of dental floss each year.
Sixty-nine percent of Swedish women have participated in a threesome.
Forty percent of Americans say the theory of evolution is "probably
not true."
The world's most popular car color is red.
A face-off in hockey used to be called a "puck-off," but was soon changed
for obvious reasons.
The average person walks 100,000 miles by the time they reach the age
of 85.
Toy-breed dogs live an average of seven years longer than large breeds.
The water we drink is three billion years old.
Americans spend more at strip clubs than at Broadway productions, regional
theater productions and classical orchestra performances combined.
The word "laser" stands for "light amplification by stimulated emission
of radiation."
There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.
The little bumps on the surface of a table tennis paddle (or "racket")
are called "pips."
Four Popes have died while having sex.
FROM OUR FRIENDS AT DribbleGlass.com
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Things You Won't Hear A Woman Say
1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Please do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler?
10. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses?
11. I'll be out painting the house.
12. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time
to play Saturday too.
13. Honey... our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again, come
see.
14. No, no, I'll take the car and have the oil changed.
15. Your mother is way better than mine.
16. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy
yourself some new clubs.
17. I fully understand...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's
sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
18. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of
beer and have my friend Diana over for a threesome?
19. Not the fucking mall again. Come on let's go to that new strip joint?
20. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire
and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
21. You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night
feedings.
22. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
23. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tough Shot
A man and his wife were out playing golf, when from the tee he hit
the ball into a farmyard next to the fairway.
Unable to see the green due to the farms barn being in the way, his
wife quickly came up with a solution.
"I will run up and open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can
hit the ball through the barn onto the green."
The husband agreed, and after opening the doors the wife waited to see
her husbands shot.
He hit the ball directly into the barn, but it ricocheted off a beam,
hit his wife in the head and killed her.
Some time later while player playing the same hole with buddy, the man
hit his tee shot to the same position behind the barn.
His friend said, "I will run up and open the doors on both ends of the
barn and you can hit the ball through the barn onto the green".
With a horrified look on his face the man quickly replied... "No way,
I tried that last time I played here, and took a double bogey on the hole."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
WHAT GENDER ARE THEY?
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female!... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider,
it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Naughty Riddles (dated, but funny)
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
There was a huge college freshman who decided he would try out for the
football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Sure, watch this," the freshman replied, as he ran smack into a telephone
pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow, I'm impressed," the coach said. "Can you run?"
"Of course," said the freshman. He was off like a bolt of lightning
and in just over nine seconds, had run a hundred yard dash.
"That's great," said the coach with enthusiasm, "but, can you pass a
football?"
Rolling his eyes and hesitating for a moment, the freshman replied,
"If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A proctologist is at the hospital, doing his morning rounds. After he
checks out this one patient, he goes to the foot of the bed and picks up
his chart. He then reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a rectal
thermometer. "Oh, great", he sighs to himself. "Some asshole has my pen."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our
product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has
there
ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France.
Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY.
The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why Men Pee Standing Up
(Thanks to Chuck)
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had
two extra
things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam
and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would
allow
the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God
told them,
"and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd
love to
be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be
able to
do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like
an
excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,
he
should have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up
and he
was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off
to write
his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment, and then God said to Eve,
"Well, here's the other thing, and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains," God said.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Bag Boy
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome
muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll
carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."
They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers,
"You know, I have an Itchy Pussy."
He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese
cars look alike!!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Subject: How to speak English GOOD
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however
should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking
ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And the last one...
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Groaner
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked young
woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crap!" his boss spat.
"How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked young woman on
your back?"
"You've got it wrong," the man replied, "That's Michelle."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Interpreting Personal Ads
FIRST THE WOMEN
40-ish: 48
Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic: Flat-chested
Average looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
Educated: College dropout
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Feminist: Fat; ball buster
Free spirit: Substance user
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline Autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud
Passionate: Loud
Poet: Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional: Real Witch
Redhead: Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque: Grossly Fat
Romantic: Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous: Very Fat
Weight proportional to height: Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate: One step away from stalking
Widow: Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart: Toothless crone
Seeks financially-solvent male: Gold digger
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking: Arrogant
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
Mature: Until you get to know him
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit: I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet: Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful: Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Independently wealthy: Inherited money from Mommy & Daddy
Seeks long-term Relationship: Drop dead after we sleep together
Likes to talk: Machiavellian, see "honest"
Iconoclast, Independent: Homeless
Bored: Suicidal
Geek: Washed jeans last month
Financially secure: Seeking father/daughter relationship
8" Cock: 4.5"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
COMBINES
A farmer was sitting at the table while his wife was preparing dinner.
His wife dropped a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she bent over
the farmer said, "Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."
The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking with no comment to
her husband.
As she put the dinner on the table she dropped the pepper shaker on
the floor.
While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said, "Honey I take
that back. Your butt is as big as two combines!"
The wife picks up the pepper, sets it ont he table and begins eating
with no comment to her husband.
Later on that night after the couple had gone to bed the farmer started
feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his wife he noticed that there
was no response on her end. He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked
her what was wrong.
She replied, "Do you really think that I am going to fire up $300,000
dollars worth of machinery for one little corn cob?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Bra Religion
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for
my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of
this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
UGLY BABYB
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later delivered healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the
ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there
was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and
said, "Not this time."
UNWELCOME GUESTS
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door
of a woman who was clearly not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain
terms she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their
faces. To her surprise, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back
open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door
again with the same result‹the door bounced back open. Convinced these
rude people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give
it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am,
before you do that again you need to move your cat."
JUMPED
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we
could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money together and
buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
Then they travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble around them. Slowly,
more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished,
there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back
up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe
isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al
falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed
up‹he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily,
Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord
too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine.
It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"
HEARING AID
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling
to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the clerk. "That
depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000." "Let's see the
$2 model," he said. The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You
just stick this piece of plastic in your ear and run this little string
down into your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" the customer
asked. "For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people
see it on you, they'll talk louder."
THE SALESMAN
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big store
looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss
liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come
down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was
rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came
down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. The kid says,
"One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales
a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss
says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The kid says, "First I
sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I
sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I
asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told
him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department
and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" The kid says, "No,
he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well,
your weekend's shot‹you might as well go fishing."
HOW MUCH TIME
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete
checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I
have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't
have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have
I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten, what?
Months? Weeks?" The doctor replies, "Nine..."
THAT WOULD SUIT ME
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going
home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with
the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a
barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and
berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for
a couple of days?" "That would suit me just fine!" the man said. Monday
went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same
result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling
went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of
his left eye.
COLLEGE GRAD
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom
and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college
graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom‹I'll show you how."
SAMPLES
An older man is having a tough time hearing and decides to do something
about it. He makes a doctor appointment and takes his wife along. The doctor
looks the man over and says, "Well, this is a common problem for a man
your age. I'd like to see a urine sample, fecal sample and a sperm sample."
The man can¹t hear the request and turns to his wife to ask what the
doctor said. The wife replies, "Honey, he wants your underwear."
QUICKIE
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house
for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife
is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads
to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have
to stop. I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll
get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns
to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with
her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"
LOW, LOW PRICES
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent." "One cent?" exclaims the
guy. The barman says, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he
asks, "Could I have a juicy steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly
sir," replies the bartender, "That¹ll be four cents." "Four cents?"
exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies,
"Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
NOVICE FARMER
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take
up farming. He heads to the local livestock supplier and tells the man,
"Give me 100 baby chickens." The supplier complies. A week later the man
returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The man at the supplier
complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give
me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the supplier replies. "You must really be
doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them
too deep or too far apart!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
New Towns In Iraq
1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Lost Boy
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed
policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
"What's he like?" asked the cop.
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Trivia
Instead of wishing each other luck with the common theatrical phrase,
"Break a leg," circus clowns say, "Bump a nose."
A recent survey showed 42 percent of Americans say they don't use the
Internet.
The most common pub name in Britain is "The Red Lion."
The average reader can read 275 words per minute.
Flies take off backwards.
No one in the U.S. has died from SARS. In an average year, more than
35,000 people in the U.S. will die from the flu.
The average American consumes 1,500 pounds of food each year.
The original title of Annie Hall was Anhedonia.
Racehorses have been known to wear out new shoes in one race.
Nearly 50 percent of all bank robberies take place on Fridays.
A wild tiger is easier to train than one born in captivity.
The first footprints at Grauman's Chinese Theater (now Mann's), were
made by Norma Talmadge in 1927.
Women end up ingesting about half of the lipstick they apply.
Leonardo da Vinci could draw with one hand and write with the other‹at
the same time.
New York was the first state to require license plates on cars.
Most dogs run an average of 19 miles per hour.
FROM DribbleGlass.com
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Horse Racing
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" He asks
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name
of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.
"Don't be silly " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary
Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".
She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks "What was that for?"
His wife said, "Your f**kin' horse phoned"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This one was real good, but I'd heard it too many times, so I aint pasting
it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
RERUNS
Q: What do they call reruns of "Hee-Haw" in Mississippi?
A: Documentaries.
LOST INTELLIGENCE
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.
SHEEPISH
An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western
town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon
he asked a local, "What do you guys do around here for entertainment?"
"You mean women?" asked the local. "We ain't got none around here, so mostly
we have sex with sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent,
"I've never heard of such moral degradation." However, after a few months,
the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking
more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely
sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons
in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber
and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged
lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate
entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the
object of many stares. "You bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled.
"You've been doing it with sheep for years, but when I do it up right you
look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the back
of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
FRENCH FLAG
The French have just ordered a new national flag. It's a white cross
on a white background.
THE "F" WORD
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "f" word?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
NEW FOR MOM
After coming home sad from a date, a young woman told her mother: "Tom
proposed to me tonight." "So, why are you unhappy?" her mother asked. "Because
he told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
"Marry him anyway," her mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show
him how wrong he is."
DISNEYLAND
Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
A GREAT JOB
"I found a great job," a man says to his wife. "A 10:00 a.m. start,
a 6:00 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends, and it pays $2,000 a week
in cash!" "That's unbelievable," says the wife. "I know," says the husband.
"You start Monday."
JEWISH MOTHER
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
SECRET CODE
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate
that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They
decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year
old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The
child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your
daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon
in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had
said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can
type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother
and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote
the letter by hand."
SHRINKING
A patient says, "Doc, I feel like I'm shrinking." The doctor replies,
"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
GOLF NUT
A couple met at a golf resort and fell in love. They were discussing
how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you, Judy, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and
breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said.
"I'm a hooker." "I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the
ball."
ONE ARM
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
the other?
A: A speech impediment.
PALMIST
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop
and sit at a palm reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For 15
dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul
agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see
that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness,
you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted.
"That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line?
No, from the calluses."
POSTAL FLAG
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
A: They're hiring.
FROM DribbleGlass.com
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Pickles (for you third graders out there)
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about
how their lives sucked.
The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy,
they cut me up and stick me on a salad".
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I
get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and
stick me in a jar".
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When
I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me
in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and
pass out!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Iraq
What is the Iraqi air force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran.
Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
Two days.
What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.
What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign ambassador.
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.
How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52 ... F-16 ... A-10 ... B-1
What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck.
What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats
it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures
everything first."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Golf Lessons
An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the
Club Pro.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered
a bee sting.
The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her Golf Pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you
back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was her reply.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said: "Then your stance is too wide."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and calls his grandson to his
bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my
chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But, grandpa," said the grandson, "I really don't like guns,
how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you
goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and
maybe a couple of bambino.
"Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed
with another man. What do you do then? Pointa to you
watch and say TIMES UP?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night in a hotel
room. Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie.
The first thing Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not
have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if
they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the
counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
