Well, Jerry Springer is mulling over a run for the Senate and John Adams
is no doubt spinning in his grave so furiously that if we could just hook
up a turbine power cable to his headstone we would probably solve all our
energy woes.
It's no secret that the gene pool, in addition to being a tad brackish
as of late, is also so shallow now there doesn't even need to be a
lifeguard on duty. Springer has stood astride that pool like a latter day
Colossus Ignoramus of Rhodes for well over a decade now.
Now that's not to say I don't periodically find the "The Jerry Springer
Show" intellectually stimulating. Indeed, how many times have I been
walking through the parking lot of a laundromat and seen two obese women in
halter tops slap fighting and thought, "Wow . . . I wonder what the back
story is on that?"
But at this point, Springer would have to hire a team of sherpas to
assist him on the long trek back up to the lowest common denominator. As a
matter of fact, the last time I was channel surfing and stopped on the
Springer show my channel flicker filed a restraining order against me.
The Pied Piper of Bottom Feeders, Ringmaster of the Cirque de Salieri
and now he's set his sights on Congress. Just think of it as Mr.
Registers-At-Hourly-Rates-Hotels-Under-The-Name Smith Goes To
Washington.
Well, one thing's for sure. Capitol Hill hasn't seen bouncers this big
since the members of the House were kiting all that bad paper during the
banking scandal of '92.
But is Jerry's pluck at the Grail really that aberrant a notion? His
talk-show experience will at least allow him to co-mingle easily with his
fellow Senators, yet another studio audience of preening narcissists
voracious for their 15 minutes but in truth needing an intermission to fill
the time.
It's not like I think the Senate is a hallowed chamber where you have to
be particularly smart to get in. To me, Congress is just a place where we
send ofttimes mediocre men and women to be Earl Scheibed into looking
kinda, sorta, vaguely consequential.
There's also a geographical track record to consider here. The good
citizens of Ohio in the past have seen fit to elect Jim Traficant to
Congress and trust me, Traficant makes Springer look like Hammurabi.
So I'm torn. I can't decide if Springer is underqualified or
overqualified. But here's My Final Thought. One thing I do like about
Springer is that he always manages to convey that he's a wee bit sheepish
about it all. Not sheepish enough to resist cashing the checks mind you,
but just enough to let you know that he'd like to settle up his societal
karma deficit as he heads into the denouement of what has heretofore been a
reasonably idiotic life.
Additionally, maybe if we one day glimpse C-Span and see Jerry Springer
actually being sworn into the United States Senate it will shock us -- like
Charlton Heston in "Planet of the Apes" looking up and seeing the chimp on
top of the pony -- and trigger some much needed electoral reform. Say, an
IQ Quizometer on the door of the voting booth where you have to get seven
out of 10 current-events questions right before you're allowed in to cast
your ballot. All right, settle down liberals. Make that 4 out of 10.
Well, I have to go now. I'm cutting the ribbon this afternoon at the
newly erected Morton Downey Jr. Memorial and Secretary of the Interior
Wally George is picking me up in 15 minutes. "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Mr. Miller is a
comedian/comedian.
