Curmudgeonly & Skeptical

Kid Stuff

     Six of these Catholic Dictionary definitions [below] are funny, because they're true.  Reading them reminded me of an event that happened to me as a 6th grade altar boy at St. Francis Borgia.  A friend of mine included this episode in a book he wrote, so if you read it elsewhere you'll know from whence it came.

Being an altar boy at a Catholic school was a big deal because:

1. You were on display for all the girls at Sunday mass.  Kind of like a modern day rock star (albeit the Saxaphone player).
2. You got out of class for funerals, and were often tipped a few bucks by the grieving family.  Also, you got to take the altar flowers home to your mother.
3. Once a month, on the first Friday, the entire school had to attend "Stations of the Cross."  The Priest, attended by three altar boys (a cross bearer and two acolytes) went around the church stopping in front of each of  fourteen stations commemorating Jesus' crucification.  It was here that the girls really creamed their jeans (we we sure) if you were one of the stars.  And, it was at The Thirteenth Station that the "incident" occurred.

     This is where "Jesus is taken down from the cross, and Mary presses him to her bosom" (although that  text has changed somewhat today).  Saying,  Presses him to her bosom,  was akin to a teacher today saying, to a mixed group of 11 year olds,  "he latched on to her firm breasts and exposed her extended, rosy,  nipples."  We boys all had a good deal of trouble keeping a straight face, a fact which the nuns guarding us knew, and were on the lookout for.  That day, as we left station number twelve, Joey Schmidt  (the tallest of us, and therefore the Crucifix bearer) said sotto voice, "here comes 'bosom'."
     
     I cracked.  As Father Theissen intoned , "and pressed him to ... ," I was so nearly hysterical that I tried to bury my face in my chest to escape capture by Sister Margaret Eleanor, seated just a few feet away.  In doing that, my candle ignited my pompadour, heavily greased with Vitalis, and turned me into a human torch.  I only smelled something burning, and raucous laughter, before Sister M.E. tackled me and sat on my burning bush to extinguish it.  Pat Szatkowski, the girl of my [not yet wet] dreams was laughing her ass off, and my mortification, at that moment in time, has never, ever been surpassed.  EOS.

Catholic Dictionary AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the  congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original "Jaws" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognise besides gyros and baklava. MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough. PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,consisting of altar servers, the  celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit,  kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.